Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
