i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I need a burrito and a hug.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
