Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
