I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
