It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
