I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
false alarm, still single
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
