I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
