can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
