so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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