Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
