I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
