I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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