he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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