Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
