You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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