I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
