he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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