just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
