I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
