I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
