The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
