I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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