we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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