my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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