weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
