Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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