They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
