Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
