I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
