i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
