can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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