sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
