i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
