Jerry, you need to find god
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
