Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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