When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
