he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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