drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ketchup is God's man juice
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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