we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
