You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You pole danced in your parka.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
