i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
