Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
