Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He better not be in your backpack
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
