She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
