I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
