Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
