I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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