If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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