Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
