I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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