peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
